A little lost

I am not expecting a response to this, and I am not writing it for self pity. I am lost. It is hard for me to admit this because even in tough times life always finds a way, I always find a way.

This is different, I am 31 (not that age has anything to do with this) and I will probably not have my teaching contract renewed next year. So the question is…what am I qualified to do? I did not attend university until I was 25 because of ill health. From 15 to 25 I was house bound for large chunks of time because of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I did not get my first job until I was 29… so I have little experience in the workplace and I fear that employers won’t even look at my CV/application. I am sure that a lot of this is unnecessary anxiety I am putting on myself, but it does concern me so therefore is important.

We put these ideals on ourselves and I am very guilty of doing this to myself. I want to do well in my life. I would like a good job, which every July/August I am not wondering if my contract will be renewed, or having been told in April – probably we won’t want you back.  Supported in the workplace? I don’t think so – maybe it would be best if my contract wasn’t renewed.

I always try my best, even when I have no energy I always give my best.

So, I am lost. What will I do? I honestly don’t know, but I am going to enjoy finishing my Masters this September. Until then, I need to keep on going even if its baby steps until I find my path again.

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

It’s been a while

10th November – that was the last time I wrote and visited my blog. It has been too long and there have been ups and downs along the way.

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and for the majority of the time I am ok. Obviously I need to be careful, make that very careful but I can hold down a job. I teach Photography (part time) in further (tertiary) education, it is tough and some days I hate it and other days I love it…it is the nature of the beast, but that is for another time. However, as I am sure other’s who have CFS will agree when you can feel a dip coming it hits you hard. One day I was fine, a little tired but it was manageable, the next day I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t think straight and certainly couldn’t contemplate even making myself breakfast. When that happens I get scared, I feel like I have returned to square one and all my hard work over the past 16 years has gone. I live at home with my mum, who is my rock and she is the person who keeps me sane when times like this occur. She has been with me through everything and she is the reason that I am better, encouraging me when times are tough and supporting me when things are going well. She reminded me that it is only a blip and after a few days of rest I will be on the mend again. She was right, as she usually is!

I need to remind myself of all the things I have and am accomplishing. I am teaching in Further Education 3 days a week, I am in the final year of my part time Masters Degree in Photography and I have been to Greenland. Yes you read that correctly, I have been to Greenland since I last posted and I will write something about that in the next week or so as I gather my thoughts about what I saw.

I think I am worn out, it has been a long time since the Christmas holidays and it is only a few more weeks until the Easter holidays, which I am very much looking forward to. I will be able to have a proper rest and recuperate from the previous term, which has been long and very difficult at times.

Will post soon.

Devon Sweet Pea