Happy Long Weekend! 

I’ve been back at work a week and ur already feels like much longer than that. It’s a strange feeling, but the benefit of a late Easter means it is now the May Day bank holiday weekend and an extra day off work. Even if the sun doesn’t sun it will be a wonderful weekend because I will ensure it is. 

I have some masters work to do and I intend on spending as much time outside as possible. 

Enjoy your three day weekend! 

Letterpress fun

I loved it! I adore being a student because there are so many wonderful experiences to be had if you just talk to people. 

I had a wonderful time with the technician who was incredibly kind, patient and helpful. I enjoy working with people like that, especially when they don’t judge your inexperience! For example I put a d instead of a P and made a new word, that was actually hilarious. 

I’m happy with what I did and I’m going back next week to continue with more text for the book I am working on. That will take much longer, but I enjoyed the process and made some new friends in a different department. 

Snooze button, not today! 

Pressing the snooze button this morning was so very tempting, but I was a very good Devon Sweet Pea and got straight out of bed.
I decided that this was going to be an excellent day, and although there were several serious student welfare issues I would overall rate it as a good day! Success, especially how I felt at the end of last term and last night when I was thinking of an illness I might catch overnight meaning I could not go to work. I did feel a little foolish, but when I was talking to other lectures this morning, they were doing exactly the same thing! 

It just proves we are all in the same boat and we must help and support each other. 

Tomorrow I am at university being a student and I will be in the letterpress workshop. I am very excited! 
Hope you’ve all had a lovely day, will post some pictures of my work tomorrow.

Last day of the holidays 

The nerves are starting to kick in, tomorrow I return to work after two weeks off for the Easter holidays. I have to be honest that it has not been long enough, the first week I was so exhausted I couldn’t wind down, the second has been full of tiredness and anxiety about being tired! 

It’s quite a conundrum. I have been very good during this holiday. I brought home no marking and have done no planning in preparation for the coming half term. Normally a good chunk on my personal time is spent on administration that I don’t have time to do when I am at work… Where I’m suppose to do it. 

This holiday, partly because I was so tired, I said no. I left work with the notion that this would be my holiday. That I would not spend time doing what I am not given enough time at work to do. I felt guilty, but then I started breaking things down into how much time it would take to complete. The answer was shocking – so again no, it was staying firmly on my desk. 

So on my last evening of the Easter holidays, I am going to go for a quiet walk and snuggle down on the sofa and watch a movie in the knowledge that although I love my job – it’s 5 weeks until half term! 

A train ride 

Today I was feeling a bit better and went to see my dad for a couple of hours. My dad and I have had a difficult few years after he left my mum after nearly 40 years of marriage with no warning at all. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what he did, but we are slowly rebuilding the wonderful relationship we once had. 

The train ride, is as always, stunning. The Train goes along the south Devon coast line and is one of the most beautiful rides in the UK, even the chief executive of Great Western Railway agrees! 

We had a nice cup of coffee and spent some time chatting about neutral things. It’s still best that way. If anyone else is struggling with a relationship with a parent just remember that they are getting older and you owe it to yourself to try. That is all: try. For me it is very painful, but I don’t want to live with regrets. 

A little lost

I am not expecting a response to this, and I am not writing it for self pity. I am lost. It is hard for me to admit this because even in tough times life always finds a way, I always find a way.

This is different, I am 31 (not that age has anything to do with this) and I will probably not have my teaching contract renewed next year. So the question is…what am I qualified to do? I did not attend university until I was 25 because of ill health. From 15 to 25 I was house bound for large chunks of time because of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I did not get my first job until I was 29… so I have little experience in the workplace and I fear that employers won’t even look at my CV/application. I am sure that a lot of this is unnecessary anxiety I am putting on myself, but it does concern me so therefore is important.

We put these ideals on ourselves and I am very guilty of doing this to myself. I want to do well in my life. I would like a good job, which every July/August I am not wondering if my contract will be renewed, or having been told in April – probably we won’t want you back.  Supported in the workplace? I don’t think so – maybe it would be best if my contract wasn’t renewed.

I always try my best, even when I have no energy I always give my best.

So, I am lost. What will I do? I honestly don’t know, but I am going to enjoy finishing my Masters this September. Until then, I need to keep on going even if its baby steps until I find my path again.

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

Anxiety will not win

One of the worst parts about anxiety is how quickly it makes you feel worthless. 
I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life. I have fears some of which are rational others are totally irrational. To the outside world I am fine, because I am functioning and don’t complain about how I am feeling then everything must be ok. 

I woke up in the night feeling uneasy, I sometimes go through these fazes. I have been told by my line manager that due to numbers at the college where I work I probably won’t be needed in September. This has been quite a shock, especially the way in which I was told and the manner used. I am now worrying about what I will do next year for work. 
I have been looking for jobs in my field of teaching, but they are rare. I have email alerts to tell me when anything comes along.
To be pro active and to increase my chances of employment I have a meeting with regard to enrolling on an MA in Curatorial Practice. If I just sit down and let the worry overtake me it will take longer to recover. Even if I don’t enrol on the course at least I am trying. 
I still have pangs of intense worry throughout the day and yesterday had the first panic attack for a while, but no one can accuse me of letting anxiety rule my life.